Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Real World Experience - Part 2

This is part two of my real life experience. This part starts up around January of 2010, and as I alluded to in my previous installment this is about the time where things got really hard. At this point we had moved from Virginia to North Carolina to stay with friends until we could save some money. By now I way also enrolled in school and taking classes full time. I was doing great in school but everything else seemed to unravel around me.

Now, I am going to apologize right off the bat for being vague here but the details to this time period are very personal and very hard to talk about still. Let me start by saying that even though my wife said she was ok with my transition, it would become increasingly difficult for her to deal with as I changed. By now the days were gone where she would see her husband, if only for a few minutes right before and after work. In fact, he was gone. in some ways it was like he was dead even. We both were coming to terms with this in different ways. I was excited and happy while she left to adjust and mourn the loss of her husband. To compound the issue, since I was no longer working we were always together. Now this was never a problem for us before; but at this point, it just highlighted how much we had changed and how neither of us were the person we were we we got married.

As January turned to February, and that into March, we grew apart until were barely even spoke. It wasn't like we were hostile towards each other, we just avoided each other. My wife found comfort in playing with the animals we had at the house (there was chickens, horses, goats, dogs, a bunny and more) and I found comfort in my friends... One in particular.

The distance between us would lead to circumstances that forced us to come to terms with reality. That reality was that at this point, neither of us knew if we were still in love. I remember her saying to me that she loved me as a man but didn't know if she even liked me as a woman (funny but I had a friend say something similar as well). It hurt but I could relate as my feelings were conflicted as well. I wasn't even sure if I even liked myself or who I was becoming for that matter.

This was the closest we have ever come to separating. Fortunately once things exploded we both decided we wanted to try to fix it. So despite all that had happened, we both wanted to find out if we could love the other and we were just not willing to give up. We accepted that we needed to see each other for who we were now, not who we were when we got married. After all, I wasn't the only one who change. My wife was now on disability and struggling with her own identity and depression. Regardless, we were done pointing fingers. We both knew why we felt the way we did and we wanted to fix it.

Once we got to this point we knew we had to leave where we were so we packed the car and left North Carolina for Texas. We needed a new start and this seemed to be the perfect thing to do. We had family there (my wife is from Texas) and it was less expensive to live. While it has been challenging I still feel that this move and the circumstances surrounding it helped save my marriage... This however is the start of another chapter.

Continue on to part 3 | Go back to part 1

1 comment:

Halle said...

Thank you for just this hint of what that part of transition was like for you and your spouse. To at one time be the 'new woman' in the house, and a reminder of 'the man' she mourned must have been such a heart-tearing experience. For you to have no way to help her other than just be there and wait for a chance to become a meaningful part of her life must have been equally painful.